Like anything, there are dangerous extremes here that would fully negate my point so I don’t want to advocate going off the deep end of irresponsibility –> “Its not really MY life so I’ll just sit back and see how it plays out!” but I guess I was more thinking of the other extreme of entitlement –> picture in your head the sound of a 2 yr olds high pitch scream “Mine, MINE!!”

When I only see things in terms of me — my happiness, my contentment, my well behaved kids and my picture perfect life I start to drift into entitlement territory.  I become convinced that if I do it all just right then I am entitled to positive outcomes.  If the outcome is not so hot, either I must have done it wrong or some sweet fool wronged me or there was a mix up along the way because that was NOT how it was supposed to be.  {listen close….you can hear that 2 yr old again, can’t you}

The problems with that view are not only obvious but too vast to list.  There are alot of “me’s” in that paragraph and the only mention of someone else is that sweet fool who screwed up.     If we camp out there too long we not only become bitter and self-absorbed but we run the risk of forgetting how to see beyond ourselves!  In times when life gets messy it is really easy in this mindset to park in the ‘Why me?’ of it all.  This isn’t how I envisioned MY life.  This isn’t what I was worked toward.  This isn’t what I want.  Because lets face it — we all know of people who have done it all right, who always put others first, who always took the high road — and life still didn’t go their way.

So what happens when we switch the lens to THIS and THESE.  This life.  Yes, I’m living it and have responsibilities in it, but I don’t have the tight gripped ownership that I once thought I did.  Things happen outside of my control and my plan.  Things aren’t all about me.  Sometimes the sacrifices and the hard times are to grow me — but sometimes they are not about me at all!  Sometimes they are there to grow others and sometimes (I really believe) they are just to make me take my eyes off of myself.

Life is not an if/then equation.  It doesn’t work that way.  We are given promises from a good God who wants good things for us.

He promises that He is always there for us… not that we’ll never feel lonely.

He promises that He loves us… not that everyone will love us.

He promises an end to the story that is perfect… not a perfect story.

I fully trust that I am in THIS life for a reason.  I have THESE kids and THIS husband and THESE friends for a reason.  And that reason isn’t ME.  It’s so much more!  I pray that I can hover somewhere safely between irresponsibility and entitlement to see how it all plays out for His purpose.  And in those times when I drift toward entitlement, will someone kindly put me in a time out please?

I am thinking of this mainly I guess because of this weekend.  Mom was in the hospital getting chemo.  Our Saturday morning started like usual with breakfast crumbs everywhere, nerf bullets flying, packing up the troops and heading to basketball games.  My mind was full with cheering on my gang – those heavenly/sinful burgers from the concession stand – and visiting with friends who were there doing the same thing.  Great day.  But as we left my family piled into one car to head home and continue the day while I got in another to make the drive to the hospital.  On my way there I couldn’t help but have this feeling that I was very literally switching gears.  Leaving one life to head into another.  Its an odd feeling.  Of course I told my mom about the basketball games and all that we had done that morning, but it was as though I was telling a story of someone else – like that all hadn’t just happened an hour before but in another life.  My other life.  Weird.

Then it happened again on Sunday.  Church, lunch, a drive in the country with the fam enjoying the sunshine made me forget about my other life for a bit.  Until I got a text that Mom had fallen out of bed and was in pain and staying in the hospital one more day.  Que that sound of a record screeching — an in your face reminder that I lead these 2 lives and the other one was calling.

I fear that I’m not explaining it well — it isn’t as though there are times that I FORGET that my Mom is sick or that kids are at home and need rides and meals while I am at the hospital — but it is some sort of mental categorization or something that keeps them just separate enough so that I can function well in both.  Maybe that is good.  Maybe its not.  But in an effort to be honest and transparent it is what it is.

And from my desk I am seeing laundry baskets pile up and people are asking for food.  Time for this agent to get her Mom pants on and get to work!  <3

However, even during the busiest of weeks there are moments/hours where I get to choose what happens and I am realizing that almost always lately fitness takes a huge backseat. I said after New Years I would get back to working out. It has happened once. It isn’t that I haven’t HAD time, but I choose other things instead. Today for example I have 2 hours till I need to be at school for the bookstore and I am choosing a 2nd cup of coffee and the blog instead of working out. The other day I cleaned the pantry. One day I did extra bible study. All good stuff. Nobody can ever claim that I am lazy – and I certainly don’t think that I am – but I will painfully find a million other things to do to avoid working out.

Funny thing is, I know that I will feel better once I do. I look back at our post-P90X pictures and remember how proud I was of myself and how ‘healthy’ I felt at the pinnacle. Because of where I am now vs where I was last time when we started I could be back to fighting shape in no time. The time is there (though I still claim “I have no time”) I just choose not to use it for working out.

So I guess I am wondering what it will take for me to prioritize working out? When we did P90X last spring I was diligent – I rarely if EVER missed a workout, followed the diet to a T, and didn’t slack or substitute videos or anything! I think the key is that I am a rule follower. It wasn’t self control and will power – I kind of stink at those – it was that I said I was going to do it and therefore I had to do it. The blessing/curse of being a perfectionist. A refusal to fail.

I guess the good news is that I am embracing a concept in a book I recently read called “The Relief of Imperfection”. I really don’t feel all that guilty for not getting back into the swing. Though I wish I wanted to work out I’m not beating myself up for not doing it. There is a bit of peace to be found in being comfortable with your decisions! And in a 2nd cup of coffee…Mmmm.

2011 had good and bad rolled all into one.  Not unlike most years, but maybe this one pushed the extremes of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ just a bit!  Ritchie and I took on the challenge of doing P90X last spring  — changed eating habits, worked out daily, got in great shape — something I’ve never done in my life and always wanted to try was finally accomplished.  That was good.  We have all 3 kids in school this year and they are doing great and loving it.  That is good.  We have friends who are like family to us and have stood by us and loved us in ways we couldn’t have imagined.  That is very good.  I have grown so much spiritually and am becoming more and more the person I am meant to be.  That is great.

And…we’ve had our share of bad.  Ritchie’s dad has been sick and had a roller coaster year of feeling better/feeling worse and trying to figure out just what is going on and what will help.  We’ve prayed friends through cancer treatments.  We missed out on a special trip seeing my dad & step mom.  Mom got a stage 4 cancer diagnosis which has led us all to more doctor visits, tests & hospital stays than in all of our years put together.  We’ve been stressed, we’ve cried, and we’ve hurt.

But in my way of math, Good + Bad = Blessed.

That is because recognizing your blessings has nothing to do with circumstances.  Several of those ‘good’ things from above (and many more that I failed to list) were direct results of having the ‘bad’ in our worlds.  One wouldn’t have existed without the other.  Its a matter of perspective and  choice and though I’m not foolish enough to tell you that I love the bad, I am trusting enough to know that it came for a reason.

So looking ahead to 2012 I can already see the same mix coming in to play.  One of our kitty sisters is having to leave our home this week.  That isn’t going to be fun.  Sicknesses and treatments are still ongoing realities in our world with outcomes unknown.  Ritchie’s company has undergone a buyout and we have NO idea what that will fully mean for us in the coming year.  This morning we are weighing in (literally) and realizing that much of our fitness gain from 2011 has been replaced by a different type of gain.  The list goes on and on….

…but so will the blessings.  So will the good.  I am excited to see where it weaves itself in and if I will be in tune enough to see it.  I pray that I am.

So I don’t have resolutions per say but ideas for this year and some itches I need to scratch.  I want to create more — sewing, crafting, something.  Last year that slipped away a bit and I miss it.  I want to take more pictures.  I would love a girls trip – or a road trip – or something.  I want to be a better wife – really bad.  I feel like I drop the ball there alot.  I want to continue dates with each of my kids to get that quality time in.  I want to dig deeper into this little calling I think I have and figure out how to get closer to fulfilling it.

Happy 2012 everyone!!!  May it be BLESSED for each and every one of you!!!

My kids were beyond excited and for the first time….ever….we got to spend Christmas with Papa Don.  We all said that this was worth doing again (minus the surprise part, of course!) and that next year we would make it happen and include my step mom who wasn’t able to make the trip.

Fast forward a year….

My mom and step dad who so actively planned this surprise and hosted a wonderful Christmas Eve now spend nearly everyday in a hospital or doctor’s office as my mom is battling stage 4 cancer.  There is almost nothing the same in their household this year.

We planned a trip for my dad and step mom to come celebrate with us and 3 days before the flight my step mom goes in for emergency knee surgery that has her in a cast from ankle to hip and now their trip is canceled.

This isn’t a pity party post but rather a real, transparent snap shot of  the fact that sometime life just stinks.  Period.

But if you know me at all or have gained any insight from previous posts you’ll know I can’t hang there for too long.  I never want to gloss over the ‘suckies’ in life because I have learned that that only makes me fester and stew on the inside.  I’m a bad fester-er.  It’s no good for anyone.  So instead, I state the obvious:  This sucks.  I don’t like it.  I wish it could be like last year.  And then, I make a conscious choice to switch gears.

I am blessed to have divorced parents who give a rip about each other.  Just as last year my mom worked hard to get my dad here for us, he was working hard to get here and see her when she is sick.  Makes my heart swell.  I am on a road with my mom that, though I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, is the path marked out specifically for me.  It is for a purpose and I am growing and finding immeasurable joy along the way.  My faith is growing stronger, my friendships are growing deeper, and my vision of this life has expanded immensely.  Heart swells even more.

The pinnacle?  I am at Walmart and a woman in tattered clothes is buying a handful of staple items in the lane next to me with only a few bills and a change purse.  I was drawn to her like a bug to a light and watched the whole scene play out – not enough money, having to take things out of the bag, final total had her with literally pennies left in her hand.  As discreetly as I possibly could (because my biggest fear was embarrassing her) I folded a bill and tapped her on the arm and slipped it to her.  The reaction from her and both of our young checkers was dramatic and that was when my heart swelled to bursting.  I sat in my car afterward and wept.  What I gave her was NOTHING to me….but the world to her.  But by the grace of God that I don’t have to go to the Walmart with a change purse counting items and pennies!

So even though last year was magical and wonderful and all about me, the more I think about it I am really, really glad that this year is not.  Its a pared down version with focus on what is really important.  Man, am I blessed!

It led me to start thinking.  (Probably in the shower, since that is when all my big thoughts seem to take shape)  What about the doors in my life?  How do I know which one to choose?  I think its pretty similar in that I look for clues, talk to all those close to me and see what they think of the clues, line them all up and see what I think is best – and that’s my door!

In the 1st 10 years of our marriage we moved to 7 different homes in 5 different states.  Sometimes it was as simple as ‘you are getting a promotion and moving to XX’.  Sometimes it was a corporate merger that had us putting out our feelers and getting a call to come somewhere else.  Only twice have we picked the place and rolled the dice that it would work.  (Can I just say for the record, those were both Texas!  No one has ever moved us here….WE have moved us here!)

Every one of those moves and job changes were a new door.  Some of those times multiple doors stood in front of us.  We have always had a unique (albeit, Excel spreadsheet) way of sorting our clues, assigning both the pros and cons a perceived value, getting wise counsel, praying for direction, etc.  But in the end what usually has happened is that some doors close and some get thrown wide open.  We have taken that in the past as a sign of what is meant to be, we have felt MUCH peace about it, and we pushed on through our new open door.

But here is my latest shower thought:  Is every open door a ‘yes’?  Are there opportunities that fall into place in front of you that you are still meant to say No to?  Could it be the case that you closing an open door is what would lead to a better door opening??

I don’t know.  This isn’t a post about some great epiphany I had that gave me the answers.  But rather a great epiphany I had that I really don’t have all the answers.

I also don’t believe that ‘bad choices’ on the doors is the end all of all that was prepared for us!  God uses ALL things for good.  Even the wrong doors.  One amazing blessing I have from living all over creation is looking back to see some of the purposes of those moves.  Some were to grow and challenge me.  Some had nothing to do with me but were more an opportunity for me to pour into someone/something else.  One move gave us Sweet Caroline.  Had we not spent 2.5 years in Philly she may never had been.

I just know that I want to be intentional and that I want my priorities and my values to lead my choices.  And, it would be cool if Wayne Brady were there to intro my doors to me.  Just sayin.

Grant is amazing in so many ways that its tough to sort it all out but this week I tried to do just that.  See, he is Student of the Week in his 4th grade class and this year that includes having letters from Mom & Dad read aloud by the teacher.  I was excited to get to do this and find my happy balance between bragging him up, embarrassing him, and letting him know that I think the world of him while still maintaining a shred of Mom-coolness.  I hope I did it….here it is…

Oh…….what can I tell you about Grant D? 

He has been called ‘Grant D’ since he was a little baby – it just stuck. 

He was a big ‘ol boy when he was born and had such chubby feet that we couldn’t fit shoes on him sometimes!!

He has loved watching football on TV since he was 2 weeks old – Seriously.  If you turned him the other way in the room away from the TV he would twist himself around until he could see it again!! 

His first word was ‘Ball’ and therefore his first big birthday party was a Ball Party.  It seems like he has never been without one in his hands since. 

I’d tell you about what an athlete he is but that is something you probably already know.  What you may not know is how many sportsmanship honors he has received.  How he gives a pat on the back to players from the other team after they make a great play – how he flies out of the dugout to congratulate a teammate who just hit a homerun – how he listens to his coaches and shows them respect.  I am always proud to watch him play, but really proud of HOW he plays.

On Grant’s 6^th birthday we brought Caroline home from the hospital.  He immediately became the person in the house who could calm her down the quickest when she cried!

When his sister, Peyton, was in a bike race in our old neighborhood and was coming around the final turn neck & neck with an older boy he got off his bike to run alongside her and cheer her on to the finish line!

Now, just so that you don’t think I’m TOTALLY biased, I will give a little fair balance:

He never puts his shoes away.  There are always socks of his lying around our house – ALWAYS – and in the most weird places ever.  He is a messy eater.  His bathroom looks like a toothpaste tube exploded in there.  He rarely cheers for the Cowboys.  (grrrrr!)

But the real truth is that those things are nothing compared to what makes Grant so great.  God blessed us with the best boy ever and I couldn’t be more proud to be his Momma.  I think he’s the bomb!  Nope – take that back – he’s totally beast. 

I love you, buddy!

Mom

**Not sure if my use of ‘beast’ earned me Cool-Mom points or gets filed under embarrassing.  We’ll find out after school, I guess.

*******************************************************************

Update:

I was told that parts of my letter were in fact embarrassing.

Me:  Which parts?

G:  The fat feet part.

Me:  When you were a baby?  Really?  What about the ‘messy eater, socks everywhere, toothpaste explosion part’?

G:  Oh no!  All the guys gave me fist bumps like “Yeah Dude!  Socks!”

Me:  And what about when I called you ‘beast’?

G:  They all yelled ‘Beast!’ and fist bumped me again.

Yep, that’s my boy.  <3

So, we don’t take part in EVERY tradition. We can’t. Life then would become about the check list and not about the moment. There are things my friends do and I think – “That is so cool! We should do that!” and then I realize no, we can’t. Plate is full. Overflowing as it is. I don’t want them to remember the overflowing plate but rather the handful of things that truly meant something. Enter in: Thanksgiving posters.

We started this tradition in 2005 when the Handful of Deffenbaugh’s was just a quartet. We got white paper on a roll, cut off a 5 ft chunk, labeled it “Thanksgiving 2005″ and let each kid draw a picture and write out what they were thankful for that year.

They are so stinking cute! Hand print turkey’s are a popular drawing, as well as the first Thanksgiving dinner scene and for the boy, Indians shooting pilgrams with arrows (huh?). The list of thankfuls are always fun. Squanto makes the list each year – that cracks me up. And we’ve even had someone thankful for Buzz Lightyear (proving that this is truly a kid made list not edited by Mommy!) What I really love are the thankfuls that are consistent year to year:
God and Jesus
Our family
Our friends

After Thanksgiving I run our poster down to Mardel’s and get it laminated for $0.25 per foot (another reason I love this tradition — it costs me about $2 a year!). Each Thanksgiving we get out all of the past years posters and hang them up around the dining room. The kids have fun looking at them all day, remembering what they wrote, seeing improvements in both their writing and drawing skills, and remembering that no matter where we have lived or who celebrated with us that we are blessed….truly blessed.

And that it will be 365 days until the word ‘Squanto’ is written again.

Enter in Kevin & Amy Tollefson. 2 of the sweetest people on the planet. They were Grant’s 1st Sunday school teachers when he was just 9 months old and though they had no kids of their own they took immense joy in loving on those they were in charge of 1 hour a week. We grew to be friends and were so excited for them as they welcomed Samuel into the world! He was sweet and perfect and at 9 months old diagnosed with a rare and deadly form of cancer. They battled as a family for another 9 months until he finally went home to heaven. During his illness we had moved away but kept up with them through a CaringBridge blog and email and felt like we walked the journey closely with them. To say I was affected was an understatement. The day I heard of his death I spent the morning at a neighbor’s house in a fog, as though one of my own had been taken from me. I was in awe of Kevin & Amy’s strength (though I’d always known their faith was strong) and how they spoke of letting him go, knowing that he was healed and in Jesus’ arms and how one day they’d all be together again. They spoke of their longing for heaven like they’d never known it before and I remember confessing that day – “I don’t long for heaven! I can’t even comprehend what that feels like! Lord, give me that!”

The way God works with me is rarely a lightening bolt answer to prayer. It is more of a slow continual climb until one day I look back and I am up on a mountain wondering how and when I got so high?

In the years since God has steadily built that longing into me. I can honestly say that I DO want to go now! (Sorry Kenny!) I literally could go on for days here writing all that I have learned and what has formed this change in me, but I’ll try and bullet point it for you the best I can:

1. I realize that heaven is my true home.
There is a way to see this world for what it is – to step back and peek through the curtain and see what is really going on here. It isn’t as though this life doesn’t matter — we are here for a purpose — but everything in this world is temporary and fades. Relationships, building and maturing our hearts, serving others – those things are eternal. It is both freeing and exhilarating to grasp this!

2. I know that this is how I am wired.
A common push back of heaven is that it is a 24/7 praise fest and if you aren’t a singer that doesn’t hold much appeal! How boring! We prefer the opposite view that heaven is all that WE want it to be — a beach paradise, your own golf course, perfectly behaved kids (no tears, right?) But if we are wired so that what brings God glory brings us ultimate joy, then let the praise fest begin!! There is no such thing as boredom!! We will be doing what we were ultimately made to do and THAT is why there is no tears, no sadness. I will FINALLY be were everything fits – everything makes sense.

3. I studied Revelation.
I happened to do Beth Moore’s study on Revelation but I think that any good study will yield the same result. God started in Genesis with a plan that gets fully worked out in Revelation. Nothing is an accident. All gets made right. I encourage you to study it. Reflect on the wedding banquet as a picture of what heaven will be like! Who can’t get excited about that!!

4. I read ‘Heaven is for Real’ and ’90 minutes in Heaven’.
In either true story account – whether from a 3 year old boy or a middle aged pastor – the fact remains: after getting a glimpse of heaven they longed to return!! They saw life here on earth differently and didn’t hold it in such a tight grip. Sweet Colton would encourage people on their death beds of what awaited them! I truly believe that we are given these accounts as an encouragement to long for greater things!

It has taken many years and didn’t happen overnight but that longing is there in me – so much so that sometimes it hurts. I talk with my kids about it all the time in the hope that they could grow up with this longing and view heaven as their true home. How much easier would that make the pressures of adolescence and the teen years? And how much easier will it make the struggles of this life — including a grandparent with stage 4 cancer — to know where our true hope lies?

1) “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord.  Isaiah 55:8. (He goes on to say not only are our ways and thoughts different, but His are better)

(case in point…)

2) “There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to death.”  Proverbs 14:12

Gulp.  We could just end it there, I suppose.  Seems pretty straight forward.  But there is something in us (its called sin, btw) that just won’t let that lie.  We rebel against someone else being our authority.

We most commonly do that in a couple of ways -

In a very blatent “no one is gonna tell me how to live my life!” way.  This tends to go pretty hand in hand with an ignorance of God’s word and who He is.  Many of us assume we know Him and what He is all about but we really truly don’t.  I don’t mean that in a rude way…but the fact is that over 3000 times in Scripture the phrase ‘Thus saith the Lord’ or something to that nature is used.  He speaks to us through His word.    The Bible is not a book about us – a road map for life – it is a book about HIM!  Its how we get to know Him.  Its how we learn that He is for us and not against us, that He can be trusted, and that maybe He should tell us how to live our lives.

We also rebel by justifying ourselves with the idea that God just doesn’t understand our particular situation.  He doesn’t have these kids or live with this spouse or have this job — so therefore I am the best authority in these situations.  The greatest analogy I ever heard is this:  imagine walking in to the room with a movie playing.  It is a 2 hour movie and you are allowed to see 1.2 seconds of it somewhere in the middle.  You are then asked to leave the room and give a full explanation of the plot, the characters, the theme and how it is going to end.  Impossible.  Same goes with our lives.  We have NO IDEA what God is doing in and around us.  The years we are given are but a 1.2 second peek into an eternity that He has fully planned out.  (And btw – read Revelation.  He knows how it ends.  He wins and so do we.)

There is a group called I am Second.  If you’ve never watched their videos I dare you to check it out.  These are athletes, actors, authors, successful business people and they all 100% get it — they aren’t their own boss.  They come second in their own lives behind an authority figure who can be trusted, who can be fully known in a relationship and who truly has our best interest at heart.  Maybe not in the same way that WE would, but look again at #2 above….we make a crappy Boss.