Flashback –> Summer 2010

Disclaimer #1: One of my main goals in journaling publicly here is to display a character trait that I hold so dear to my heart – transparency. For those of you who know me well there are times when I just ooze it. If this isn’t proof of that I don’t know what is! So you’ll get the good and the bad but always the honest here.

Disclaimer #2: I am wordy! My brain is swimming with all that I want to say and I will try and break it into manageable chunks but I can’t promise to be tangent free. I’ve never operated that way before (just ask my husband!) so I’m sure I won’t start now! 🙂

Summer of 2010 God was as I like to say ‘stirring my pot’. I had been having odd joint pain and health issues for awhile and I also felt discontent is several areas of my life. At that time we felt led to join a different church and I felt led to give up the leadership role I had had with Women’s bible study at our old church and go a different direction. I was going through a season of spiritual change. And even though it was a positive change, I was at the very same time hitting a wall. I did everything I knew to do to change it (problem #1) pray harder, read more, seek more advice until I thought my head would pop off! Then, I had my day. August 17, 2010. I know the date because it was my first journal entry in what has now turned in to several books worth of daily journaling. I have journaled in the past, but not like this. I did it out of guilt (its what I should be doing) or need (I may go over the deep end if I don’t) or obligation (He asks me to spend time with Him) but this was so different. This time it was because I wanted to. Desperately.

Here comes the major transparency — my journal entry from that day:

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Starting here, starting fresh — so where am I?

Disconnected.

From everyone and every thing in various degrees. I feel tired – unmotivated – unloving – but it all lands on being disconnected. Even from You – in a season when I have learned the most and dug the deepest and have seen a little bit of veil pulled away to see Your face.

A friend warned me that at this time more than any Satan would be pulling me away – and boy has he ever! How foolish of me not to see it for what it was! I’ve known deep down that it was ‘me’ for some time, but I’ve been searching everywhere but You for the answers. I am renewing my commitment – I HAVE TO! – and I pray for Your grace to rain down on me so fiercely that I would have no choice but to run to you!

1. Spend time. I want to dedicate my mornings to study and prayer. Meeting with You.
2. Fall in love. Again. With You. I want so deeply to love what You love and to turn from what You hate. I want a level of intimacy with You that will keep me from ever looking elsewhere and forgetting all that You have for me.
3. Re-prioritize. I see that my #1 problem is priorities. I not only pray that You change those in me but that I allow & initiate some changes myself. I will never have a heart like Yours if I am stuck in the place that I am at.

So what do I know?
* This won’t be easy.
* Satan will fight me on this.
* I will stumble.
* You love me more.
* I owe it to You, me, Ritchie and the kids to truly live it out.

Let’s go!

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My life changed that day and has every day since. In some ways subtle and in some ways huge.

The only way I can even attempt to describe it was as if all that I had learned during the last 10 years, wonderful truths in and of themselves, suddenly formed together to make a greater picture that somehow I had failed to ever see. It was like an awakening and it was wonderful!

This was the start of my preparations…

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Published in: on October 26, 2011 at 4:54 pm  Leave a Comment  

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