Secret Agent Woman

Sometimes that is what I feel like.  Like I am living a double life.  In one life I am the wife and Mom who is cleaning house, taking kids to and fro, working on things at school and living my sweet little suburban life.  In the other I am the medical facilitator for my Mom – going to appointments to decipher and explain the jargon, researching treatments online, setting up appointments, sorting benefit explanations and bills.  And I do an odd dance of bouncing between the 2, sometimes multiple times in the same day.

I am thinking of this mainly I guess because of this weekend.  Mom was in the hospital getting chemo.  Our Saturday morning started like usual with breakfast crumbs everywhere, nerf bullets flying, packing up the troops and heading to basketball games.  My mind was full with cheering on my gang – those heavenly/sinful burgers from the concession stand – and visiting with friends who were there doing the same thing.  Great day.  But as we left my family piled into one car to head home and continue the day while I got in another to make the drive to the hospital.  On my way there I couldn’t help but have this feeling that I was very literally switching gears.  Leaving one life to head into another.  Its an odd feeling.  Of course I told my mom about the basketball games and all that we had done that morning, but it was as though I was telling a story of someone else – like that all hadn’t just happened an hour before but in another life.  My other life.  Weird.

Then it happened again on Sunday.  Church, lunch, a drive in the country with the fam enjoying the sunshine made me forget about my other life for a bit.  Until I got a text that Mom had fallen out of bed and was in pain and staying in the hospital one more day.  Que that sound of a record screeching — an in your face reminder that I lead these 2 lives and the other one was calling.

I fear that I’m not explaining it well — it isn’t as though there are times that I FORGET that my Mom is sick or that kids are at home and need rides and meals while I am at the hospital — but it is some sort of mental categorization or something that keeps them just separate enough so that I can function well in both.  Maybe that is good.  Maybe its not.  But in an effort to be honest and transparent it is what it is.

And from my desk I am seeing laundry baskets pile up and people are asking for food.  Time for this agent to get her Mom pants on and get to work!  ❤

Published in: on January 16, 2012 at 10:22 am  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Very well said, Amy! Your the family keeper — mom and daughter roles into one: keeper! You keep everyone on track and sane. Although sometimes it helps when someone keeps you sane, 🙂

    Stay well my dear friend!

  2. Its times like this – double agent times – where He desires to the Boss of it all. One of my all-time fav verses is “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:14 Sometimes I beg Him to help me understand what “still” means…friend, this chapter in your sweet life is your time to let Him fight. And, I’ll tell u – He is. Stop for a sec and thank Him that you ARE able to shift gears…u MUST. Your family needs you to be the mom that you are – and your mom needs your attention there. Thurs the gear shifting. No – its not by chance. He’s giving you your protection adn your super powers to change those gears…Hes the engine behind the gears! YES! That’s it! I love you…and love all that you are doing. I’m here if you need a tune-up over a caffinated bev sometime. (OK, I’m taking your analogy a lil far now…)

  3. You explained that very well! I remember having the same feeling when my family was living through a tragedy. During that time, I had to do the same thing to keep myself sane. You are doing awesome and inspire so many people! Keep up the good work and know that my ear is just a phone call away! Love ya!


  4. You can handle this. You are a wonderful Mom, Wife and Daughter! Thank You for sharing these thoughts with us. I remember that shuffle and the explaining and using medical terms with the girls so they felt like they too were a part of this “dance”. I miss that race. I pray for your Mom, for a cure, for this to be over for you. Bask in the smiles of your children. God has you dear sister right where He wants you and needs you to be. Your words are divinely placed in the right ears! I will continue to pray for your family. Hugs, XOXO

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