Confessions of a Control Freak

So they say the first step to recovery is admission – so this is me admitting it – I’m a control freak.

Don’t stop the presses for this news because it isn’t news at all.  If you know me, you know this.  I know this.  I’m just fessing up publicly in an effort to dissect  it and perhaps start to change it.

In my times of ‘deep thoughts’ and self analysis I have come up with a few ideas of what is behind controlling behavior and what it really means, for me at least.  I don’t like what I found – let me state that up front.  Here is the logical flow:

There are a few ways to do “X” .   I have my preferred way.

Why is that my way? –> Because I think it is the best way.

You prefer a different way.  What are my thoughts on that?  Its not as good as my way.  (If it was, it would be my way.  Refer back – I picked the best way.)

My big take-away here:

My need to control is 100% tied to a couple of yucky truths about myself.  Being judgmental and being prideful.  Ugh.  I don’t like to fess up to those one bit.

I am a HUGE advocate of the idea that if you say you believe something but really don’t follow through on it, you need to question whether you really do believe it in the first place.  Hypothetical example:  A person says “I know smoking is bad for me – it puts my health at risk and isn’t good for the people around me.  I should really stop.”  The reality is that they smoke 2 packs a day and aren’t trying to quit.  Therefore, the truth is that they may not really believe the smoking is that bad for them.

I like to think that I am a big enough person to say “There are several great ways to do “X”!  To each his own!” but deep down I’m not sure I truly believe it.  What I really say is “There are several ways to do “X”.  You are free to pick that way!  Its not what I would have picked and most likely won’t work out the best…but to each his own!”   Of course I’m talking self-dialogue here!  I would never SAY that to anyone, but the fact that I think it doesn’t make it any better!

I am going through a great book right now in my quiet times and it is walking through this aspect in marriage, specifically.  Why the need to control?  Though I’m not happy with the self discovery of how yucky my thoughts can really be if I sort through them, I do appreciate the path to change in recognizing the deeper problem.  I need to walk the walk of the belief that I am no better than anyone else – not my spouse, my kids 0r my friends.  Their different ways are not worse, just as mine are not better.  The damage I do by judging and being prideful is FAR worse than any possible damage done by not doing things my way.  So here are the bugs I am planting in my ear when I feel the hairs on my neck stand up in face of opposition to my way:

What if?

What could happen if we do things that way vs. my way?

Is it worth more than the person just to be right?

And if it does go south, is it beyond God’s realm to fix it -or- use it anyway?

Like everything in life, this isn’t about me vs. them anyway.  Its about me trusting Him.  I don’t have to cover everything – He’s got this.  I don’t have to push my way, I can just follow His way.

And this isn’t new news either.  🙂





Published in: on May 9, 2012 at 11:13 am  Comments (1)  

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  1. […] seems to always run through my blogs and my life – if you read back you’ll see it in Confessions of a Control Freak,  It’s not about _____, and Swapping out Lenses.   There is a bigger thing going on in this […]

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